Lord, I praise You that You are seated above the Father’s throne. I praise You that You are interceding on our behalf right now in heaven, Lord You are for me, and not against me, Hallelujah. You overcame death, You overcame the grave. Jesus, worthy of honor and glory, You overcame. You are awesome and glorious forever, Lord You overcame. Lord, all authority and every victory is yours. Savior You are worthy of honor and glory, worthy of all our praise. Lord, You are so precious to me. I want to share with you how the Lord, intercepted my funeral arrangements because of my battle with eating disorder. This is probably the first time I can confidently say it out loud. Eating disorder really almost sent me to the grave, and I praise God, that He graciously mercifully saved me from the passion of the flesh that was waging war against my soul.
Something that wages war against ones soul, wants to destroy you, it doesn’t want you to have peace, and completely see Christ as all satisfying. The Apostle Paul, said in 1 Peter 2:11 “Dear friends I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from the sinful desires, which war against your soul”. Here we can see that anything that “wars” wants to conquer you. It’s not for you, but against you. And Romans 3:18 said “If you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live”.
Way back in middle school, I started looking at magazines, I exposed myself to mass media. And I just started hating my body for I didn’t look like the girls in those magazine, and I desperately wanted to look like them. The battle was only beginning. What I thought was a glimpse of the cover of the latest teen magazine, turned into an obsession to be thin. By the time I got to high school I was battling bulimia, I didn’t have enough iron in my body, I had low electrolytes in my body, heart problems, back problems, my bone were fragile. Pain was literally my middle name. A part of my body was always hurting. I was obsessed with working out, a good workout for me back then was about 3 hours. I had to burn every calorie I consumed that day. I took so many over the counter medication to help me lose weight. I threw up If I eat too much. To make things even worse, I was a vegetarian for about a year and a half. The biggest motif for been a vegetarian was simply to lose and maintain my weight. I would force myself to eat even when I am not hungry and throw it up. I was supper picky about everything I eat. I was obsessed with counting calories, and reading food labels. There was a summer where I was religiously working out six days a week, I lost so much weight, and I was on the verge on been anorexic. On the outside you couldn’t tell, but the scale does not lie. I had really bad insomnia, and I utterly despised life. I wanted out so badly. I had suffered with depression before, so an eating disorder only sent me in a more deeper hole than I was in before.
By the time I graduated from high school, I lost so many friends, and I wanted badly to go to college far away. My options were Pennsylvania, at small Liberal Arts college with a catholic affiliation or Arizona, at a school of about 15,000 students. Back then, God was the least of my concerns, I was in fact persecuting believers for there profession of faith in Jesus. Deciding where to go was difficult, because I really wanted to go to Pennsylvania, for I figured I could just transfer to a bigger school after I left that school, but because of the Catholic affiliation of that school, I refused to go there. I didn’t even consider the plus, like smaller classes, and they even gave me more money than the school I attended in Arizona. I went to Northern Arizona, I meet a few Mormons, there lives were different from the Christians I knew from high-school. They went to church, they were genuinely nice, and happy. I was so eager to learn more about the reason for there happiness. At the time I thought happiness was a destination, I was longing after it, with everything in me, I just wanted to be happy. So I went to the church one Sunday randomly by myself, it was slightly nerve wrecking, but I sucked it up the best way I knew how. At the service the sister missionaries sat by me, they just introduced themselves and they asked if they could sit next to me, and I off course said yes. Those two missionaries turned out to be some of the greatest woman God could have put in my life at the time. I meet with them weekly, I attended church activities. Deciding to get baptized into the LDS church, was a though choice, and you know what, I am glad, I did it, for it was all part of Gods story for the life He gave me. I got baptized, but it was towards the end of the school year, and I knew I wasn’t going to come back to school in AZ. But that summer, I didn’t really attend church back in Houston, I remember I was working and trying to listen to Gods voice on whether or not I should continue going to the LDS church. Various people came to my house that summer from the LDS just to check up on me, and see how I am doing.
In the fall, I went back to the church, and things in my life only got worse. I just thought my life was suppose to me different, since I got baptized and joined the church. Everything from depression and eating disorder came back ten times stronger, eating disorder especially. It consumed my life, I became a slave to it. It had power over me, it control nearly every aspect of my life. Towards the end of 2010, I just decided to finally just trusted Christ with everything. I had test Him once too many times. History was repeating itself is all the wrong ways, and my funeral reached the boiling point. I didn’t really have a choice on whether of not Christ was worth following, the fact that I had relied on myself for so long, and I obviously couldn’t save myself. This and many other reasons were reasons to surrender to Christ. I just started trusting Him, I had no idea what that fully meant at the moment.
The next month was January, my new year resolution includes that everyday of my life would be better than the next, and that I could get closer to God, and a few other things I can’t remember. I kid you not, in January I was so excited, and so full of Joy, and everyday literally was better than the last. I started reading my Bible, and started going to church (LDS church) and a (Baptist church). I went to the LDS after I left Living Hope Bryan, and I would just sit a meditate of everything they talked about there. God, definitely gave me eyes to discern what was true, and what clearly was not. At the time I was also praying that He would help me decide if I should still be going to the LDS church. It has been my life, and my friends were there, my flesh did not want to leave in the beginning because of everything I knew I would lose. The more I read Scripture, the more hungry and thirsty I became for more of Jesus. He just started pouring out on me, from various angle using so many Godly man and women. Slowly but sure, God started opening my eyes to see why, and how the LDS church is not Biblical, and honestly the biggest of the reasons that I could never get out of my head was the fact that they believed in earning their way into heaven. They believe in works base salvation, which goes against everything the Bible teaches.
A few months later God utterly open the eyes of my heart to everything, everything really hit my reality. The LDS church is not run by Jesus, it’s a completely different gospel. I left the church, and I kept attending Living Hope Bryan, God just gave me a single passion for his name. I never assumed that everything I struggled with in the past would automatically disappear, and honestly I had no idea on how it would, but God did. At the beginning of my junior year in college I would have extremely random binge episode, overeat and the like. All of it would make me frustrated, and I had no idea how to deal with it. Then about the middle of my the semester, I came across Philippians 4:11 ”
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances”. I just remember wanting this verse to be true in my life. After I read It, I could hear an alarm go off in my head. God was faithful in showing how this is a problem with Him and nothing less. I was not satisfy in Him alone so I resort to other means to fill me with only what Christ can accomplish. This also answered the problem of lust I was dealing with.
So then now that God, showed me that He is the only one that can fill me, how do I deal with the issues I struggle with. The next few weeks, I came across amazing resources from Tim Conway on sin. I watch sermons, took notes, I kept praying and just asking God for wisdom. Through the sermons, I learn how my sin are truly waging war against me. They are not for me, but rather against me, and they seek to destroy my life. Tim also exerted that a faith that cannot triumph over sin is not a saving faith. The idea was not to scare people, but rather for people to not be deceived, and that they should be sure that they are actually in the faith. I was more sad, because my sins were offending the one I love. The fact that I don’t find God all satisfying is the reason I struggled with a lot of things. God, started revealing sin, and by His grace I began nailing them to the cross. By the spirit I put to death eating disorder, and lustful thoughts.